Rogaine for my Face

Look, I can't grow facial hair. I am Self-conscious of this. I contemplate using Rogaine on my face. I have researched this online and results vary from....WOW, I GOT A BEARD NOW! to WTF I HAVE HAIR ON MY PALMS NOW.

I mean seriously. I am 6'-5" - 340 LBS and have the facial hair of an 8th grader.